Study

The reason why moved to Louisville is so that Dustin can study here:

Here at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, he is studying for is Masters of Divinity.

Last year, I was still working out, or "fleshing out" (to use a term I hear Christian pastors use more and more as they seek to apply practically what a text written by the ancients, inspired by God himself, looks like for the average person) what this season of study meant and just what it was going to look like for our family.

During the first several months after we landed, here's how I saw what this move looked like for me:

-Work every Saturday and Sunday as a nurse, leaving the house at 6:15 a.m., returning around 8 pm, and stuff my fear of getting sued because I didn't document something properly 15 yrs down the road (other OB nurses can relate to this I think).

-Take care of four little kids Monday through Friday 24/7, one of them being a breastfeeding infant, less than 12 months old.

-Try to limit the number of days/nights a week I cried or yelled at someone at home to 3 out of 7...I felt pretty good about that number

-Figure out where my heart went and where it was going...

I won't detail the gory details of last year.  It is painful, and in comparison to the infinite hurts in the world, it would be shameful for me to dwell there.  Except...God is faithful.  He has carried me through my grief and given me strength to:

- fear not

- rest

- delight in the Lord

- love my husband

- love my kids

- have a soft heart

- believe in Jesus Christ

Dustin is beginning his second year at SBTS.  My heart is so different from what is was one year ago.  There were nights where I thought I was going to lose my faith, and begged God to keep me, not knowing how in the heck He would do it...because, the world looks pretty bleak out there with out Him.

Louisville

Dustin and I, and Elias, Jillian, Georgia, and Luke Rudolph live in Louisville, KY.

One year ago, I was reeling with this fact.  Oh wretched and healing grief.  In the midst of the denial stage of my grief, I stood in our kitchen crying out, out loud (Lord, have mercy and let my kids forget these moments) "Are we really HERE?!".

Prior to moving to Louisville, I had not really left "home".  Yes, through marriage, I had gone through the "leave and cleave" separation of leaving my parents, leaving being "just me", to becoming united to my spouse.  But, no, really I had not left home.  And in my move to Louisville, after much research, prayer, planning, searching of places and hearts...with Dustin blazing the way, we packed up our stuff and moved across the country, with some of my heart, all of our kids, and away from a place and people I really really like and love.

Thankfully, we did not need passports to get here.  And I pray that our next move to our next home does not require passports or visas.  Really, I pray that.  I also pray, not my will.  Even if our next move does require those things, it will be okay.  It will be hard.  I might even be disappointed, because, I don't want to move out of the country.  But I have experienced how, when I submit to what is God's will for my life, to the best of my knowledge, through prayer, and circumstance, in faith, and study of God's word, then he will be faithful to complete what he has started.  And in His faithfulness, I can rest.

You see, I am small.  I am so so small.  I am one person in the midst of billions of people who live and have lived on one planet, which circles a star, which sits in the midst of countless other stars, in the midst of countless galaxies of countless stars and planets and...

And God made all these things.  Meditate on that.  Really picture the reality of the vastness of the universe.  Take a whole day to think about this!  Even the enormous thunderstorms we experience in the middle of the United State are tiny compared to that vision.  Really picture how minute we are in that vastness.  And yet God who made the universe, who thought up the universe, makes himself known to me.  Not only that, he LOVES me.

God loves me.  It is ALL OVER the Bible.  I think I my favorite might be 1 John 4:10 (NIV) "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sin."  Exodus 34-6-7, Romans 5:8, 1 John 4:7-21, Ephesians 2:4-10.  He loves me and us, for His glory.  Not for my glory, although, oh, the infinite and profound blessings I receive from his love.  But for HIS glory and purposes.  And I can rest in that because he is much much bigger than me.

Gladness

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; 

you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,  

that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.

Oh Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

Psalm 30:11-12 (ESV)

Last month we got to visit Bellingham, my hometown.  When I moved from this place, I felt like a piece of my heart was severed from who I am.  So, when Dustin and I, and the kids, visited both the physical place of Bellingham, and "my people" who live in Bellingham, it was like balm to a wound--a wound that is more or less healed now, but still scarred and itchy sometimes.

We visited one of the San Juan Islands and my dad made a drum from a drift wood log on the beach...and soon, we were dancing in a Pacific Northwest sunset.